JUST WHAT THE PRIEST ORDERED

Francis Eluvathingal

A relationship is not only about meeting, marrying and living happily ever after. A counselling session gives you a reality check... and 10 commandments, finds Lekha Menon

Publication:Mumbai Mirror ; Date:Dec 22, 2008; Section:You; Page Number:24

Marriages might be made in heaven, but maintaining them is a task that has to be accomplished on earth. It’s only after the wedding cake is cut, after the vows have been exchanged and the party tunes have died down, that reality sinks in. Life soon looks a different shade than when it was viewed through rose-tinted glasses.

So while the ardour is still intact, it is better that a couple sees the real picture, through pre-marital counselling. The Catholic community organises a compulsory three-day “Marriage Preparatory Course”, where couples about to take the plunge are coached on all aspects of marriage – emotional, physical, financial and psychological (read box for more details). “A marriage is never a sudden occurrence,” says Rev Dr Francis Eluvathingal, chancellor of the Diocese of Kalyan and judicial vicar. “The story begins before the wedding, develops during it and lasts long after the ceremony is over. So counselling is needed to help couples deal with the various issues and responsibilities that a marriage entails.”

So what are the secrets of a happy marriage? Father Francis lists out these 10 commandments:

1 SELECT THE RIGHT PARTNER Love is the most essential ingredient of a relationship, but not the only one. So let love not blind you to the realities of life. Faith, compatibility, similarity in values, education etc. are equally important. Be it arranged or love marriage, take into account all these aspects before choosing your life partner. Moreover, marry only out of choice, when you are ready for it, not due to force.

2 BE THE DECISION MAKER Married life means plenty of decision making on various issues. Look at a situation holistically, weigh the pros and cons of each and use the elimination method to make decisions. Whatever be the problem, it should be the husband and wife who should decide the course of action after enough reflection and discussion. Consult and involve your family, friends and well-wishers. But the final decision should be yours alone. Let nobody impose their views on you.

3 DON’T ENTER INTO A BLAME GAME Problems and misunderstandings are a part and parcel of married life. But don’t ever blame each other. Stand by each other ‘for good or bad’, ‘in health and in sickness’, ‘till death do you part’.

4 DON’T BE SHY OF DISCUSSING MONEY Do not spend more than what you earn. And learn to save. Discuss these details about money, jobs, etc before you get married and reach a consensus. Also, when there is money or gifts involved in a wedding, be smart and ensure the legalities are right. Similarly discuss family planning too, before you tie the knot.

5 MAKE ADJUSTMENTS Remember that marriage is not a diplomatic adjustment but a ‘sacrificial’ one. That you need to make small adjustments for a smooth relationship is a given, but do not weigh or keep tabs on who does what for whom. Learn to give willingly.

6 RESPECT EACH OTHER Giving and receiving respect is the basis of a strong relationship. Respect your spouse, elders and parents. Maintain a pro-life attitude. Marriage is a story of caring, sharing and understanding from both sides.

7 LET THERE BE TOTAL FIDELITY This is a tricky issue in today’s times. Some people think it’s okay to play the field as long as you play safe. But a marriage is based on trust and faith. Enter only if you are 100 per cent certain about it. There is no looking back once you enter this ‘partnership’.

8 BELIEVE IN THE HEAD-HEART CONCEPT The man might be the head of the house, but the woman is the heart. And for the house to run, you need both! Try and feel the spirituality in your relationship. Make him/her your soulmate.

Our take: Shah Rukh Khan would approve. As he says in the recently-released Rab Ne Bana di jodi, see the ‘Rab’ in your woman and you know she’s the one for you.

9 THE ROLE OF TECHNOLOGY Your spouse is not your activity partner, but your life partner. These days, mobile phones, SMSs, Orkut and Facebook are playing a role in marriages – strengthening as well as breaking them! In a relationship, it is better if you are an open book to each other. This will remove all doubts and suspicions (that lead to conflict) from your spouse’s mind. You may have your privacy, and things you don’t want to share with each other, but overall, be honest to one another.

10 HANDLING TEMPTATIONS In such situations, just questionyour own commitment and the expectation of your partner. Become aware of the promises you made. The rest is up to you.