MARRIAGES AMONG CATHOLIC MIGRANTS:

DIFFICULTIES AND CHALLENGES

Dr. Francis Eluvathingal

Introduction

The scope of this paper is to evaluate the present day marriages among the Catholic migrants and to identify the difficulties and challenges this institution faces today. This evaluation is done as a result of the first-hand experience obtained by working in the Curia and Tribunal of the Eparchy of the Kalyan which is the first Syro-Malabar Eparchy erected for the migrant faithful.

For the scientific nature of this paper, some definitions will be explained before going to the practical problems related to the marriage.   

1. Catholic Understanding of Marriage

As specified in the Canon Law, by marriage a man and a woman enter into a contract giving their personal consent to live together as partners for their whole life.[1] This contract is for a life of love, caring, understanding, communion, fellowship, giving, taking, sacrifice, etc.  The model of Christian marriage as per St. Paul is the way Jesus loved the Church: a total self-giving even at the cost of sacrificing one’s own life.[2]

2. Various Possibilities of Marriages in the Catholic Migrant Context

In this changed times, one may be surprised to see different types of marriages among the migrants in mega cities such as arranged marriages, love marriages, civil marriage between two free persons, civil marriage between one divorcee and the other free, marriage between two divorcees, marriages between one/both living separately without obtaining civil divorce or ecclesiastical nullity, marriage into other religion, marriage of convenience, living together of free or divorced, etc. On observing deeply the marriages contracted in the Churches, one will come across different categories of marriages which may sound incredible. They are the marriages between:

a.     Two staunch Catholics - they always prefer to have their wedding in their Catholic Rite and practise their faith in their Catholic Church.

b.    One practising and another non-practising Catholics - most of them are conducted in the Catholic Church.

c.      Two non-practising Catholics - most of them are conducted in the Catholic Church.

d.    One practising Catholic and another practising non-Catholic - depends on their decision as to where to conduct the marriage.

e.     One practising Catholic and another non-practising Non-Catholic - marriages may take place in Catholic Church and later on they may be practising the Catholic faith.

f.       One non-practising Catholic and another non-practising Non-Catholic – In this case, marriage takes place in Catholic or non-Catholic Churches and later on they may not practice at all.

g.    One Catholic and another Oriental non-Catholic -mostly the marriages take place in Catholic Church though in some cases they go the Oriental Non Catholic Churches.

h.    One Catholic and another non-oriental non-Catholic - mostly the marriages take place in SM Church though in some cases they go to  the Non-oriental Non-Catholic Churches)

i.        One Catholic and another from Christian sects - Mostly the marriages take place in SM Church, the sect member converting to the Catholic Church though in some cases the marriages are conducted as per the customs of the sects.

j.        One Catholic + a non-Christian with a Religion -Mostly the marriages take place in SM Church, the non-Christian member converting to the Catholic Church though in some cases the marriages are conducted as per the customs of the sects.

k.    One Catholic + an atheist - Mostly the marriages take place in SM Church, the non-Christian member converting to the Catholic Church though in some cases the marriages are conducted as per the customs of the sects.

3. Statistics

Going through the statistics with simple calculations, from among the total number of marriages more than 70% of them are arranged marriages between two from the same Church. Some 8% could be love marriages or arranged marriages between Catholics i.e. inter-ecclesial marriages out of which 4% take place in the Syro-Malabar Churches and 4% take place in Syro-Malankara or Latin Churches with proper permission or with the provision of indult. And other 10% between Catholic and a non-Catholic i.e. mixed marriages. Inter ecclesial marriages and mixed marriages are on the increase as either they do not get good choices from the same community or they get better choices from other communities. In this category of mixed marriage, there are almost 4% Catholics who get married in the Non-Catholic Churches without permission from the Catholic Authorities. The last 12% marriages are love marriages, solemnized in the church between a catholic and a non-Christian, out of which half of them get converted at the time of the marriage and another half do not get converted but marry in the church with the provision of the disparity of cult. In this category a small 2% are love marriages where the Catholic party defect their Catholic faith and join non-Christian religions and get married in temples, mosques, etc.

4. Marriage Preparation Courses

The diocese insists that all those who get married in the church including those who get married with the provision of the disparity of cult should attend the marriage preparation course and no exemption is given whatsoever. Non-Christians come to the course with reluctance, but after the course, they show satisfaction of having participated and find it an enriching experience. Apart from sessions on various topics related to family life, this three-day long marriage preparation course includes opportunity for marriage counseling, confession, etc. The course is conducted in English. 

5. Canonical Issues

A Catholic is obliged to have the catholic form[3] for his marriage and if goes against it, the marriage would be invalid. If the Catholics are born and brought up in one place but approach the parish priests in Kerala or elsewhere, they cannot conduct it without delegation of the proper parish priest for which the concept of domicile is to be respected. In such cases, all the process before the marriage is to be done where the person has the domicile and only the kettukuri (delegation) is to be given to the parish priest of the place where the marriage is solemnized. Very often the young bachelors and spinsters do not register their names in the migrated place but just before the marriage approach the priests for free-state certificate.   

6.        Customs and Traditions during the Marriage celebrations

    The liturgical customs are observed fully as per the prescriptions of the liturgical texts. In some places, bringing the bride and the groom from the entrance of the church to the main altar as a procession is introduced and found to be a well-received by the community. Though many of the customs of the Catholics are observed, unfortunately many western elements have crept in to our culture. Bridal garment is mostly westernized.  Best man, best woman, wedding march, toasting with wine, dance, etc are nowadays very common during marriage celebrations. The reception programme goes on till midnight. The custom of solemn welcome to the bride to the matrimonial home, entrusting the bride to the family of the groom, marupallikumbidal (visiting the parish church of the husband for the first time) on the following day, etc are slowly getting extinct.

7. Tribunal Experiences

Falling in love is on the rise nowadays. The parents insist that a Catholic should get married only to another Catholic especially when they come to know about the religiosity of the other party. This situation forces the Catholic party to heed the plea of the parents and finally give consent to marry a Catholic, at the same time; they secretly continue the relationship with the person in love. This obviously leads to the break of marriage and they approach the tribunal for the declaration of the marriage null and void.

Some love marriages between Catholics and non-christians are contracted with the provision of the disparity of cult. But when they start living together, the faith matters a lot for each one. But the disparity leads to conflicts especially when there are children.

Undue interference of the parents in the family life and decision making of the children leads to the break of marriage. Over possessiveness is found to be another reason.

8. Marriage Involves Decision Making

The Church insists that a person must have sufficient development of their faculties of intellect and will, to be able to judge and to will a truly human act.[4]As marriage involves a decision, discretion of judgment refers to the capacity of intellect and will to specifically evaluate, decide and freely enter marriage. Intellectual maturity is the most basic level expected in the adults who make a commitment for whole life. But unfortunately in some adults this reasoning is overpowered by only emotions. Still worse situations occur when this reasoning is done by some other minds like parents, or other kith and kin other than the contracting parties.

10. Difficulties and Challenges:

1.     The migrants all over the world have enormously benefitted by the recent permission with regard to the announcement of banns before the engagement. At the same, there is only very short period between the engagement and marriage and there is hardly any time to know each other.

2.     There is an increase in the number of cancellation of marriages after marriage fixing, engagement and announcement of banns.

3.     Spending time together during the marriage preparation course also benefits positively as they come to know each other in a deeper way. Sometimes they realize their incompatibility and they decide to cancel the marriage.

4.     Parishes nowadays try to collect all the certificates including that of the marriage for the official entry in their registers and find the irregularity in the marriage unions. In the same way at the time of the celebration of other sacraments such as the Baptism, Solemn Holy Communion such irregularity in the marriage unions are found.

5.     The concept of arranged marriages is to be understood with clarity. Who takes the final decision on marriage: the contracting parties or their parents? Decision forced on their children by the parents is undesirable as per the letter and spirit of the law. At the same time, many feel insecure for a decision taken by the contracting parties alone as it lacks perfection. I would say, a perfect decision making on marriage should be a process where the contracting parties take the final decision with the constant assistance and involvement of the parents who help them to evaluate and decide. A decision for marriage made by the parents against the will of the contracting parties is unjustified.

6.     Marriages are made in Heaven, which we solemnize on earth. Human person is a composite of body, mind and soul. Solemnization of a marriage is not just a spiritual ceremony happening in the church where only the soul is involved. But it is solemn moment of officially exchanging the consent for an already taken decision where mind and body are involved. A boy and a girl who take a decision for their whole life need to have basic knowledge about the other person. The migrant community must uphold the traditional values of not permitting relations before marriage but at the same time the parents show much openness towards this “knowing each other” concept and permit their children to interact adequately without crossing the limits.

7.     Unfortunately “falling in love” is a trap where many of our youngsters are unable to take decision with due discretion involving their intellect and will. The youngsters say that they just fall in love. One is blind to the demerits of the other when one falls in love. It is dangerous when the youngsters get married only because they are in love. Here, being in love is the only reason or quality for marriage. They do not consider many other key factors that are very important for a successful married life. Love need not be the only component that sustains a whole life together but rather is one of the many components. What is necessary is that one loves the partner whom one marries.

8.     Nowadays, one of the major problems in love marriage is having different faiths. Disparity of cult marriages is on the increase. Disparity of cult marriage is taking place in traditional catholic families where they practice the faith very strictly. It seems that our youngsters do not have the conviction that the person whom they marry should also have the same faith. This is a very dangerous situation. If our youngsters consider disparity of cult marriages as the fashion of the day, living our faith as one family will be almost impossible and it will result in the disintegration of the family; thus the stability of the community will be at stake.

9.     Though it is negligible minority, some of our Catholics, abandon their catholic faith and get married to a non-Catholic or a non-Christian either because there is no choice from the same catholic faith or because they are in love. The result is similar as in the above said situation.

10.            Conversion of heart only should lead to conversion to another religion. I fear sometimes that some non-Christians who get converted do it only for the sake of getting married. In these cases usually there is no living of faith in the families. The children, even if they are baptized, are not given opportunities of family prayers, Sunday obligations, nor sent for catechism classes. In some cases, once the marriage is over, even if they are converted Catholics, they just go back to their original religion and do not care for collaborating for anything further as per the laws of the church.

11.            Among the migrant families, most of the families are very small. They suffer from the lack of family bond and hence lack of strength. Hence the parents totally depend on their children for their future. Many parents especially mothers suffer from the insecurity feeling and hence show total dependence on their male children. This leads to undue interference in their family life. This phenomenon affects the growth of the newly wedded couple. There are complaints of friction between the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law which also leads to separated life of the spouses. It is very much opportune to begin some family oriented courses for the parents before the marriage of their children.

12.            One or two children in the family sometimes prevent the holistic development of the children. They get all they want and need not share with anyone else. This leads to selfishness and egoism. It is surprising to see the young families resist in sharing together including their salaries. In some other families, the husband and wife share the family expenses equally and the remaining money is saved separately. These are against the basic concept of family values of giving and sacrificing. 

13.            The parents, at that time of migration, in order to get foot hold in these cities had to undergo lots of hardships. And they made sure that their children do not face the same difficulties. Many parents do not share their problems with their children but they suffer in private. And some others do not include their children in the decision making process. The parents take care of each and every need of the family and of the children. Hence most of the children lack practical knowledge and experience even to do small or big house hold activities. When their children get married and found new families, they do not know to take decisions, to handle many family situations and do household activities.

14.            The young families undoubtedly need follow up programme after their marriage and looking at the current development it goes without saying. The strain and stress of the job situations, increased financial burdens and loans, lack of other family members for offering a helping hand, etc. contribute tremendously to the pressure of the young families and they are not able to cope with the rigorous schedule of family life. These situations force them to neglect their prayer life and Sunday obligations etc.

15.            For the growth in faith, the small children need models and witnesses. In the Catholic tradition, the grand-parents were also god-parents at the time of baptism of their grand-children and they took initiatives for traditionally handing over the faith to their grand-children. They were either living together or close by and it was possible. Now among the migrant families, also because of lack of space in small flats or houses, most of the young families live separately from their parents and there is not much chance to hand over the faith to their newly born grand-children. This will definitely affect the future practising of the faith of the young families.

16.            Career oriented women become independent in the families. They earn good salaries, sometimes more than men. Sometimes these create innumerable problems such as inferiority complex of men, lack of time and interests for women in the family affairs, considering rearing children a burden, lack of qualitative and quantitative interaction with the extended family members etc.

17.            Those singles working abroad do not get ascribed to the available parish community in the foreign country.  At the time of their marriage, proving their free state to enter into marriage is a very difficult task.

18.            Those singles working abroad come here to get married. In a few days of leave, they need to fix the partner, fix the marriage, and conduct the engagement and marriage. Also for the sake of the guests coming from Kerala and elsewhere, they request for the engagement and marriage to be conducted in the same week. The purpose of engagement becomes questionable though very expensive ceremonies and celebrations have become part of the culture of the present day.

19.            The young families need lot of follow-up by the pastoral team in the parishes. Frequent enquiry about the well-being of the families, making sure of their presence together for the ecclesial activities, informal talks about the life adjustments of the young families, invitation for counselling when problems are observed, etc. should be under the permanent vigilance of the pastoral team. Family counselling cell and reconciliation forums are the need of the hour.

20.            Some Practising Catholics do not have the wedlock. It is a challenge to our community and for its stability. At the same time, wedlock becomes a reason for anonymity for some migrants when they have contracted some irregular marriages elsewhere.

 

Conclusion

With regard to the marriage, customs, life, etc. Catholic Church has a very rich tradition and patrimony which our forefathers treasured, preserved and handed down through centuries along with unwavering faith. By upholding sanctity of marriage, fidelity in marriage, maintaining family ties and reputation, they carried forward this legacy.  The onslaught of globalization, consumerism, nuclear family situation, imitation of the western culture, development of technology and the resultant misuse of it, workaholism, wreak havoc in the life and faith life of this migrant Catholics. Though it might seem difficult, the pastors of the Church, with the collaboration of all, need to address the issues related to the Holy Matrimony to safeguard the faith of the individuals, families and the community.  

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[1] By the marriage covenant, founded by the Creator and ordered by His laws, a man and a woman by irrevocable personal consent establish between themselves a partnership of the whole of life; this covenant is by its very nature ordered to the good of the spouses and to the procreation and education of children (CCEO c.776  §1).

[2] Ephesians 5: 25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.

[3] C.828 §§1-2. Only those marriages are valid that are celebrated with a sacred rite, in the presence of the local hierarch, local pastor, or a priest who has been given the faculty of blessing the marriage by either of them, and at least two witnesses, according, however to the prescripts of the following canons, without prejudice to the exceptions referred to in cc. 832 and 834, §2.The very intervention of a priest who assists and blesses is regarded as a sacred rite for the present purpose. And CCEO C.7812º,The Church recognizes any form prescribed or admitted by the law to which the parties were subject at the time of their wedding, provided that the consent was expressed publicly and, if at least one of the parties is a baptized member of an Eastern non-Catholic church, the marriage was celebrated with a sacred rite.

[4]They are incapable of celebrating marriage who suffer from grave lack of discretion of judgment concerning essential matrimonial rights and obligations mutually handed over and accepted (CCEO c. 818, 2).