CIRCULAR – I
Dear brethren in Christ and beloved children,
God created human person as male and female (Gen 5:2). He made them into a family and called them to participate in the process of creation. Later, when Jesus came into this world he made it clear that those who are bound in matrimony are not two, but one. “What God has joined together let no one separate” (Mathew 19:5). It is through the sacrament of marriage that a family, the basic unit of society and the church, is formed. Therefore the church wishes and insists that this sacrament of matrimony should be administered in the holiest of holy manner as well as in a proper manner as it brings together a man and a woman to lead their life as partners and support till their death.
At each marriage, the church desires that the married couple should lead a happy life and that they should develop a firm and concrete relationship. That’s why many rules and laws have been formulated by the church with regard to marriage. Great majority of the congregation is in support of these laws and are willing to abide by them. At the same time it is true that there are a few who tend to take these laws lightly. It is very sad to note that the number of couples heading for divorce as well as the number of families that fall apart is on the rise. Therefore, I urge the parish priests of the parish, the parents, and the couples who are getting ready for marriage and the entire congregation that the laws formulated by the church about marriage, shall be understood correctly and followed in the right spirit. Last year has been observed as the year of Family Renewal by our Diocese. At the conclusion of it now, I think it is pertinent to explain briefly the existing laws with regard to marriage as well as some practical aspects of it.
1. Pre-marriage course: This course has to be compulsorily attended by all the youth prior to their marriage. This course has been now changed into a two days residential programme. Since this is conducted only once a month, one must take care to find out all the details in advance and then attend it. It is better that the boy and the girl who plan to marry attend the course together. The course is valid for two years. Take care to attend the course early; do not wait for the last moment. Since the course has to be attended fully, I wish to remind you not to ask for any concession during the course. Though the course that is attended abroad is accepted here, it will be appreciated if the course is attended here as we explain in a special way also about the administration of sacrament during the course.
2. Free State Certificate: Those who have stayed for more than a year outside the Kalyan Diocese must produce a free-state certificate. The rule calls for such certificate from all the places where the candidate has stayed for more than a year. At least a certificate from the parish priest of the last parish is very necessary. Those who are working at a place where there is no church or such arrangements, a certificate from the superior at one’s work place or any government official in authority is to be brought.
3. Faith formation certificate till 12th Std. 12th Std. certificate in faith formation must be produced prior to marriage except from the places where faith formation classes had not been conducted after the inception of the Diocese of Kalyan. Those persons who do not have such certificates should get special permission from their own Zonal Vicar.
4. Pre nuptial Enquiry: Pre nuptial Enquiry form should be filled in the presence of the parish priest after the pre-marriage course and before the engagement. The parish priest has to make sure before giving the letter for the engagement that the candidate has proper knowledge with regard to church and faith and all the related prayers.
5. Date of Marriage: Though the couple can decide the date of marriage, it is good to consult the parish priest before making a final decision to rule out any difficulty in conducting the marriage on that day. While celebrating the wedding in the church premises, special care has to be taken not to disturb the faith formation classes. Those who have to get permission from the diocesan centre for marriage have to make sure that they receive it before fixing the date. One must proceed with the printing of invitation cards as well as the procedure of invitation only after making this understanding.
6. Applications: Applications seeking special permission due to various reasons should be submitted in the prescribed format with the signature of the parish priest as well as the seal of the parish. The points that should be there in these applications are given in the appendix of the Kalyan Eparchial Statutes as a model. And the application should be prepared accordingly.
7. Marriage Banns: Banns should be read in the church during the announcements attached to Holy Qurbana on three days of obligation in both the parish churches of the couple. Due to practical difficulties, in case three days of obligation are not there between the marriage and the engagement, banns can be published before the engagement. In order to do this, before starting the banns, the couple has to seek permission by submitting the necessary application separately by the couple in the diocesan curia with due recommendation from the parish priests of their respective parishes. In extreme cases, when there is no time for three banns, the parish priest has the authority to reduce it to two banns and zonal vicar has the authority to reduce it to one. Zonal vicars are reminded that they must file and preserve these applications. For those marriages with only one bann, the following norms are to be observed: a. Seven days duration has to be there between the engagement and the marriage. b. Marriage can not be held before the completion of 5 days after the banns.
8. Marriage with Non-Catholic or Non-Christian: Such marriages can be held in inevitable circumstances. Prior permission should be taken for such marriages. Since different Christian churches follow different rules, it is advisable to make adequate enquiries to get concrete information before finalizing the marriage, in order to avoid inconveniences later. Permission for marriage will be given only to those who are willing to accept and follow the conditions given in Kalyan Eparchial Statutes.
9. Joining the Catholic Church: It is necessary to make sure that the non-Catholics who wish to join the Catholic Church have the knowledge and conviction with regard to Catholic faith. Now onwards non-Christians will be inducted into the Catholic Church only after attending the 6 month long faith formation porgramme prepared by the diocese.
10. Marriage in the Church after civil marriage or marriage in any other denomination: Those who went ahead with the marriage outside the church and now want to get married in the church will be allowed to do so only after the completion of six months from the day of their previous marriage. Such marriages will be permitted only if they fulfill all the steps necessary for a Catholic marriage including the pre-marriage course. They must apologize for the error they have committed and do the appropriate penance. They will be allowed to conduct the marriage in the church without banns and engagement and without grand celebration outside the Holy Qurbana. In case a civil registration of marriage is required before the church marriage for the sake of obtaining visa, prior permission must be taken from the Bishop’s Office.
11. Registration of Marriage: As soon as the marriage is over while being in the church itself, the couple, the witness and the priest who blessed the marriage have to sign in the Marriage Register. There are two registers: (1) Church Register and (2) Civil Register. The parish priests should take care to fill all the necessary details in these registers before the marriage itself, and keep it ready for the signature. The details have to be filled in the registers carefully as corrections are not permitted in them.
12. Civil Registration: It is already mentioned above that signatures have to be put in the Civil Register too along with the Church Register. One month or so after the marriage, the civil registration certificate has to be brought to the diocesan curia for counter signature. Then it is taken to the registrar in ‘Mantralaya’ for his signature and with this it becomes a civil marriage certificate. According to the new rule, it is not necessary to register the marriage as was done earlier. Besides, the married couple need not go to the diocesan curia and mantralaya. Those who get married in Kerala or anywhere other than Maharashtra should follow the rules pertaining to marriage registration of that place.
13. There is a tendency which seems to be on the rise among the youth that they come to church only when they are about to get married. Those youngsters who come from their native places for job must register their names in their respective parishes as early as possible instead of waiting till the time of their marriage. Those who are born and brought up here are reminded with love that they should actively participate in parish activities.
I wrote this circular today keeping in mind the existing laws with regard to marriage. I wish to write about the practical aspects in the subsequent issue in the next week.
God Bless You!
Powai Mar Thomas Elavanal
4-3-2009. Bishop of the Eparchy of Kalyan
CIRCULAR 2
Dear Brothers and Sisters and beloved children in the Lord Jesus Christ,
In the previous circular, I have elaborated the meaning of marriage and the rules and regulations that are interlinked with it. Along with the rules regarding marriage, I wish to bring to your notice some practical aspects connected with marriage. It would be good to discuss some of the important instructions in this circular during family unit meetings in your parish.
A marriage takes place between a man and a woman who have attained the right age and maturity for marriage. A good relationship can be developed only with due preparation and proper knowledge and when those who wish to get married take a decision in the presence of God with prayerful thought. It is appropriate that we follow the customs and traditions related to marriage that are followed by our church and society for generations, if they help to maintain sanctity of the marriage and create a bond.
1. Marriages held in a hurry: As human lives have become very complicated, there is a chance of landing up in trouble if the marriage and the rituals prior to that like meeting of the couple and fixing are done in haste. I remind you with love that you should go ahead with marriage only after sufficient enquiry to confirm that there are no hurdles for the marriage.
2. Love Marriages: Though love is a basic reason to enter into marriage, marriage is not based only on love. Marriage happens through a choice. A Catholic who has faith in God must give prime importance to the deep faith in God more than any other factor like mutual love, age, maturity, family background, educational qualification and financial situation. It is a sad reality that faith in God as well as in the Church is diluted when we focus more on other factors while choosing a partner. I particularly remind the youth not to ignore the basic faith, culture and relationship with the family while marrying a colleague. In short, the basic tenet is better to love the person you marry rather than to marry the person you love. Many love marriages fail, may be because the intense love they had before marriage does not last after marriage.
3. Invalid Marriages: I would like to remind you that the Church neither accepts nor encourages a marriage between the people of other faith or a marriage where the Catholic party joins the other faiths or living together without marriages, etc.
4. Spiritual Preparation: The parents and the children who are preparing to get married are to pray hard for the future would be and also to find the proper person whom God has selected for them. The prayer should be specially to find the person who is filled with the gospel values and principles and God fearing. It is better to include this intention in the family prayer especially recite this intention in the Karosusa prayer.
5. Dowry System: It has undermined our culture to a great extent. The commercial attitude of giving more importance to the wealth brought by the girl rather than considering the girl as the wealth is totally wrong. At the same time, the girl’s father must give a share of his wealth to the girl child also. But this share is not the right of the boy but it is her right from her father. This wealth, she will be able to utilize when she settles down as a family. It is not desirable for a man to accept money from the girl and use it for an ostentatious wedding and to meet similar expenditure. I urge the bridegrooms affectionately that they themselves must save money for their marriage in advance and not to use the girl’s money for the same.
6. Conducting engagement and marriage to display wealth is becoming a new trend. Isn’t it injustice to spend large sums of money just to impress others and to display one’s wealth? Such occasions can be turned into an opportunity to be kind to the poor and to do charitable deeds. Similarly engagement and marriage can not be given equal importance. Marriage is a sacrament. Therefore, engagement should not be given equal importance and it should held in a simple manner. It has to be treated as a private ceremony in which the consent of the couple is declared publicly before the church and is an opportunity to know and interact with the relatives of the betrothed couple. The period between the engagement and the marriage is the time for the couple to know and understand each other.
It is desirable that the expenditure for the wedding celebrations be shared equally by the families of the couple and this has to be encouraged in our diocese. With regard to expenditure, when the rich spend money lavishly, the poor fall into great debts as they can not afford it. Therefore, I remind you lovingly that the focus should be on the joy and sharing in the wedding not so much on the pomp and show.
7. Sometimes there is a doubt whether the wedding ceremony is reduced to grand celebrations – feast, gifts and good wishes. People boast that 1000 members attended the wedding feast .At the same time the sad reality is that the attendance in the church during the actual wedding ceremony would not exceed hundred which clearly shows the importance and the focus are getting shifted slowly. The most appropriate way is to attend the wedding ceremony in the church, pray for them, join them in the celebrations and convey good wishes to them.
8. I wish to remind you that the good customs associated with marriage that we used to follow can not be ignored totally during wedding celebrations. While seeking the blessings from the family members before the marriage, it is an indication for all the family members present that they are bidding goodbye to the current status and entering into a new area where the family life and responsibilities are taking a new turn. The family members must bear in mind that while the newly wedded girl is accepted in the family in a traditional way, they are accepting a new person as part of their own family.
9. It is a commendable custom that the bridal couple in the subsequent days participates in the Holy Qurbana in the parish church and visits the tombs of the ancestors. It is good to introduce the bride and the bridegroom to the spiritual mentors such as priests and nuns of that church. The practice of introducing the bridal couple to parishioners on the following Sunday after marriage should be encouraged.
10. The parents and the family members should be willing to accept and acknowledge the new phase of life of the married couple and give them freedom to lead their family life. There is a tendency among the parents today to interfere even in insignificant matters and create problems. It is good to give proper advice to the newly wedded so that they will address the matters very naturally. Similarly the newly wedded couple also should be willing to seek the opinions as well as blessings of the parents in every matter. In the beginning itself if there is disagreement and dislike, then everything that follows will be devoid of love. This will affect the family relationship adversely.
11. It is observed that there is a rise in the number of couples who are heading for divorce on small issues. The promise that is taken placing their hands on the Bible that the couple will lead a life of unity in all circumstances can not be forgotten so conveniently .The couple should strive to the best of their abilities to lead a life of compromise and sacrifice putting their trust in the Lord completely. If the problem cannot be solved in the family, they should try to solve it through the vicars of the parish or sisters or through the Family Counselors Forum of the diocese.
12. The parish should have a special pastoral care for those who are troubled over family problems as well as those couples who live separately due to disagreement. Parishioners should take care to bring such problems to the notice of the vicars. Some marriages may be invalid due to some specific reasons. Vicar should give proper guidance to such shattered families that are likely to be declared as invalid marriage and they can approach the diocesan tribunal with an appeal.
13. Before fixing the marriage, at the same time when the boy and the girl like each other, it is good that they have a private conversation. They can find out whether they can understand each other, whether their line of thinking is the same, whether they will be able to lead a life together and also whether they can share their dreams about future. This sort of interaction is taking place by and large in the diocese, in some rare situations this does not happen. We should contemplate as to whether such restrictions as meeting and talking only once before marriage are causing more harm than good. In short, besides physical attraction, the partners should see in each other many things such as similar ideology, nature, future dreams, thought pattern, etc. and then liking each other in all aspects, they should get married in love.
14. The sacramental part of the marriage is to be conducted in a meaningful manner. The one who is going to get married must come to the entrance of the church at least 10 minutes before and pray silently. The seating arrangement should be made for the parents of the couple as well as the family members. The practice of the priest blessing the couple who is ready at the entrance and leading them to the altar can be continued. This can be in the form of a procession in which the couple will be just behind the priest, then the parents, then the brothers and sisters and close relatives. Bringing their children to the altar for wedding and seeking God’s blessings in itself is a grant offering. If there is an offertory procession, these two processions are to be coupled.
15. There is a good practice prevalent in our church. According to this practice, the couple who are getting married will approach the parish priest and say the prayers and answer the questions with regard to Catholic faith. The couple who is laying a foundation for family life must have unflinching faith and must be capable of handing it down to the next generation. Therefore this practice has to be continued. Besides, this is an opportunity to come back to the church, if anyone has strayed. This is generally done by the parish priest or any other priest entrusted by him. If the marriage is going to be held in their native place all these have to be done before giving the Kettukuri (letter of delegation) for the same.
16. While tying the knot, there are practices of the bride standing or kneeling down. It would be better if it is decided in advance and conveyed to the persons concerned. Even the practice of taking the pledge kneeling down and placing their hands on the open Bible and then kissing the Bible, can be continued.
17. Parishioners should be encouraged to minimize the pomp and show of marriage and donate the amount thus saved to the fund meant for the marriage of the poor. The share given to the church during the wedding is also appreciated.
These two circulars I have written, and read out on last two Sundays are not meant to burden the people of God but with a desire to implement proper practices during marriages. I wish that you would take this in good spirit, understanding the underlying message. I pray that all the families in the diocese of Kalyan are able to lead a life of joy and peace similar to that was experienced in the Holy Family at Nazareth. I seek the co-operation of all specially the couple, the priests and religious in taking the above-mentioned points seriously there by avoiding unnecessary confusion.
Let the intercession of St. Joseph, the saint of family life, Mary, the queen of families, St. Thomas, our father in faith help you in every stage of your family life.
Your affectionate Father in Christ
Powai Mar Thomas Elavanal
04.03.2009 Bishop of Kalyan
